Faking It

I feel like, mostly, I've just faked it until I made it. I haven't quite "made" it, of course; but I'm way closer to making it than I was before, at any given point in my life, at least. Faking it really does work! Then again, it's annoying and stressful... It would be much easier if I just "did it", but it's also hard to do it.

Being genuine is hard. I think earnest dedication and effort is beautiful, but scary. I instinctively reject it!

There was a time when I would look at pictures of pretty girls to try and get myself motivated to work hard. It never worked. Is that funny? I think there's some humour, there. I don't particularly care for women, not more than I do anyone else, but at the same time, I feel that I should. I was reading Debt, by David Graeber, and he cited some passages from these old Indian religious texts, and it said that we owe a debt to our ancestors, that we can settle by becoming ancestors ourselves.

Is it bad that I don't want to have children? I recognise the beauty of life, I see the good parts, and I take the bad with it, and, every element taken into account, my calculating human mind, good for nothing else, has deemed it worth living. Other people are great, too; I know gentle, kind, generous. I know ruthless and hateful, too, but I've taken that into account as well, and I've deemed my fellow people worth knowing. What is stopping me, then, from making more of us?

Do I owe it to everyone that came before to make sure there's an everyone that comes after?

Somehow, I get the feeling that, maybe, I do. That's a debt that I don't think I'll ever repay. I'm not sure I'll even find it in me to assure the well-being of those not my blood, though I do feel more strongly that I should do that one.

It is so selfish to think this way, isn't it? I come to this and use everything I want, and leave everything as I leave it, and not as I found it, and definitely not better. Selfish.

Then again, I didn't ask to be here... Then again, if I don't want to be here, I can always leave.

I'm not sure what I should do. I feel time running out, and decisions are pressing into me.

I'm reading Marriage Toxin, and I see the main character actively trying to find a relationship. That's OK, right? Just trying to find someone to love, right? That's what people do. Serendipity is rarely at work, and always at work, of course.

I also think of Hirayasumi, where the main character just has a part-time job and lives day-to-day. Is that so bad, too? Isn't it fine, as well?

My future: Hirayasumi; Marriage Toxin; hermitage. I'm on the hermitage route, right now.

Every day that passes, my path hardens.

I should get a hobby.

Anyway, I wore my brown suit trousers, today.